ROBERT JONES? WHAT HAPPENED TO BAUER?

Ok so here it is everyone, the story of my last name Jones.

My family was put on government watch in the early 80's to hide us from terrorists, thus giving us the name "Bauer." just kidding, not true, although it's much more cool than the actual reason we changed our name.

The actual reason is this....

part 1.. when my dad was about 5 years old, his father, (my grandpa Jones) divorced my grandma.

part 2...a few years later my grandma married some random guy named Fred Bauer. I have never met this guy, and my father doesn't even remember much of him.

part 3...For some reason my grandma thought it would be better to legally change my dad's name from Jones to Bauer. After the divorce i'm assuming she didn't like my grandpa Jones and didn't want anything to do with him, this included getting rid of my father's true birth name "Jones." My father was a bit too young to have a say in any of it, so they proceeded.

part 4....Years passed.....my grandma was in a car accident that paralyzed the right half of her body, (including the brain) and Fred Bauer left my grandma and my dad. They eventually got divorced.

part 5....Now my dad was a teenager and lived his life basically taking care of my paralyzed grandma who had a great physical recovery but mentally never quite got back to normal. Whenever he told her he planned on changing his last name back to Jones, she would respond, "Over my dead body!"

part 6.... Now to understand this part of the story you must know that my father was an only child. He could of easily just changed the name back to Jones whenever he wanted but he decided he would wait until she died or went senile. He did this out of respect for her.

part 7....Many years later after my father married and had children (me) my father chose a time that was good for all of us. We proceeded to legally change our name to Jones. I knew my whole life that my real last name was Jones, I also knew that we'd eventually be changing it.

the end.

I have told variations of this story thousands of times but yet people still can't seem to understand it. I once had an old acquaintance from high school ask me if Jones was my stage name, this was after I had explained him the story already. But what makes me real mad is the ignorant people that look at me like I'm an idiot for changing my name just to keep up with the Jones'

That is why I present my balls for all you condescending persons to suck.

A GRAY MATTER MALADY UPDATE!!

Gray Matter Malady Update

Hello all, I just wanted to write down a few things for you guys...i'll call them the Frequently Asked Questions...

F.A.Q.

WHY IS IT TAKING YOU SO LONG TO FINISH THE FILM?

unfortunately I am not able to work on it full time, I have to pay the bills and am not making any money for this film yet. Also, I am the only person working on it...so in reality i'm probably making record time considering the circumstances!

WHEN WILL THE FILM BE DONE?

As of right now, the only thing left is to finish all the minor details, the sound effects, soundtrack, and some of the graphics. So my goal is to have all that done by the end of the year. It's sooooooo close!

ARE WE GOING TO SHOOT THE BAR SCENE FLASHBACK, AND THE RETURN TO THE ROAD?

yes we are, currently there is a slate on the avid editing timeline that explains the scene but obviously doesn't show it.....I've had a lot of scheduling problems, so I've had to put it off, if something happens and we cannot shoot them, I'll omit these scenes completely from the final film.

IS "A GRAY MATTER MALADY" THE OFFICIAL TITLE OF THE FILM?

No it's just the working title, due to the fact that people don't know what it is supposed to mean, it's not catchy enough, and because a movie about lesbians came out a couple years ago titled "Gray Matters"... The title of the film will be chosen during the promotions and marketing stages of the film which won't start until I'm finished with the post production.

WHAT ARE YOU'RE PLANS FOR THIS FILM?

I plan on entering it into several different film festivals to hopefully win some awards and find a distributor. But the most important thing is so I can show future investors what I did with such a small budget, hence giving them confidence in what I can do with a bigger budget for my next film. But my ultimate goal is to be able to sell the film for distribution and that's my plan.

IS THERE A WEBSITE FOR THE MOVIE/IMDB PAGE?

Not yet, the website will come very soon as part of the marketing/promotions package. Like I said earlier I'm not going to start on any of that until the films done. As soon as the film's done and enters film festivals there will be an imdb page. IMDB can be complicated, technically you have to have a distributor for your film before they'll accept your project.

Ok that's all I could think of, any other questions please ask!







HERE'S A TEASER FOR YOU ALL!

this is one of the several dream sequences in GMM.



HERE'S A FEW POST PICS

What kind of drugs are you on? Can I have some?

This last week I noticed on two different occasions people that seemed to be inhumanly happy. Interestingly, they were both people that worked as gas station attendants.

On the first occasion, my friend, "the Boy", and I went to get a beverage at the Maverick in Farmington in between mowing lawns. An astonishingly happy middle-aged woman greeted us at the entrance with probing questions of an impersonal nature. She was so happy and talkative it was almost offensive. We had been working extremely hard and were hot and sweaty… the last thing we wanted to do was to stand there and chitchat about the weather and other generic subjects with some crazy overbearingly happy stranger.

While paying for the beverages we tried to respond to her questions with as much enthusiasm and energy as she, but miserably failed to do so. We were tired and frankly we aren't the type of people to over due it in the social aspect of human communication. As she continued the conversation about how lucky I was to have a friend that would pay for my drink, (or something to that effect) we slowly backed away and slipped out the door while nodding in agreement, with the occasional one word response.

Even as the door closed after we exited the building she continued yapping at us. (So what time do you guys get off? Etc. ) After her voice was no longer audible I turned to the Boy and said,

"Someone woke up on the right side of the bed this morning."

The second occasion

I stepped in to a 7-11 on 3rd west in Salt Lake City just right down the street from KSL when I was welcomed with an unusual greeting, "Hey brother man." I proceeded to give him a nod thinking nothing of it, but as I was strategically picking out a nice refreshing beverage of choice, I noticed that he was saying it to every customer that not only was walking in to the store, but leaving it also. That meant that I would be getting it again on my way out. I felt disgusted.

Normally stuff like this doesn't bug me and I really don't even notice, but this clerk was very loud about it and not only was the volume of his voice high he was also saying renditions of the word/phrase, for example, "Hey brother," or "Brotha" or even, "Bro" and just when things couldn't have gotten any lamer he said, "Brother from another mother." Yes it's true he was actually saying that.

As I stood in line to buy the drink I couldn't help but wonder what his motive was, was he trying to be culturally dynamic by practicing greetings and salutations brought on by the African American descent? Or was he the religious kind with the assumption that we are all brothers and sisters from Adam and Eve, or was it, I don't know, humanity created by the big bang theory has made us all a big family in the cosmic sense? Who knows?

By the time I paid for my drink I was far too annoyed to question the clerk about his actions, I just wanted to get the hell out! If I heard "brother" or any form of it one more time I would pop! As I left the counter, the clerk said, "thanks my brotha man, come back anytime brotha."

I suffered a major migraine for the rest of the day.

Moab August 08!

I'm Not A Cannibal!

Idiom: "Don't judge a book by it's cover"

An ugly person walked by a group of us at work the other day and one of the guys exclaimed "someone got hit by the ugly stick." None of us thought anything else of it except for a young female co-worker that was deeply offended. She proceeded to drop the cliche' "don't judge a book by it's cover" referring to this ugly person that had previously walked by. She went on explaining that it isn't the outer appearance that's important it's what's inside that matters. It's the inner self. She then said "sure she may be ugly on the outside but it's what's inside that's beautiful it's what's inside that counts."

I didn't want to think about her insides being beautiful, that's gross, nobody has beautiful insides.

Naked Barbies and Sunflower Seeds

While working in my office the other day I was visited by an astonishing young woman. To my surprise, she did have the right office and was indeed looking for me. Normally, incredibly beautiful women brighten my day and give me something amazing to dream about (wow that sounds kind of creepy), but in this case, the reaction was quite the opposite. I was humiliated. She was an associate producer that had changed the script for one of the stories in the ten o'clock show and was there to personally inform me of the change. Let's just say she caught me at a bad time. Her first glance was the book on my desk entitled "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim" by David Sedaris (which was recommended to me by a close friend). The problem is that on the cover of the book is a naked Barbie doll. This gorgeous associate producer took one glance at the naked Barbie doll and gave off a look of disgust. That look of repulsion was seared into my mind and each time I process it, my self worth diminishes slightly. What could I have done to tell her that I am not into Barbie dolls and am not a sick weirdo pedophile? After she saw the book another form of embarrassment followed. Seconds before she appeared at my desk I had put a handful of sunflower seeds into the corner of my mouth. So when she looked at me I felt like a crazy old redneck, you know the kind, uncouth, uncivilized, chewing sunflower seeds and talking about biscuits and gravy while bits and pieces of sunflower spittle out the mouth. I blew my chances with this girl!



So then I was thinking, maybe she never did give me that look; maybe she didn't mind that I had a disgusting amount of sunflower seeds jammed into my cheek. You never know she could be a baseball fan or something. Maybe she didn't even notice the book or if she did, she had seen it before or even had read it!



You see how us poor guys think and act in front of beautiful and intimidating women?

Hitchiking and Sexual Favors

As my friends and I started on our annual trip to Evanston Wyoming to buy our loads of illegal fireworks, we noticed our vehicle was quickly running out of gas. For reasons unknown to me we did not stop in Morgan to fill up, I guess "the boy" (who was the driver at the time), thought we could make it to Evanston, or if not, we'd just stop at the next town and fill up…As the needle crept closer to E, our worries were virtually nonexistent. But as we continued on, the red gasoline light indicator began beaming in each one of our eyes taunting us with its warning.

We were happy to see a town coming up called Henefer that claimed to have a gas. We rolled through this small hick town with high hopes of spotting the gas station but as the road ended we soon realized that the gas station sign had deceived us. Our only option was to continue on strong, in hopes that there would be another stop before Evanston… but Before we knew it, we had run out of gas. It was about 5 in the afternoon, 100 degrees outside and we were stranded… There were five of us…the boy, Balls, his wife and their 6-month-old baby boy… Now came the time for us to start worrying. The car had stopped at the bottom of a hill so we thought that maybe Evanston, or some other small town was at the top of the hill… So me being the brave one, along with Balls set off on what proved to be a journey full of trials, hardships, and life lessons. We had to get help and quick, not only our lives were in danger but also the lives, of the boy, wife and baby were on the line…

Before we left on our hike up the road I even offered to save the last bit of mountain dew just in case we wouldn't return for some time. That way, they would be able to share it three ways if things were to get devastating … After moments of thinking to myself what a great guy I was to sacrifice the last bit of liquid that we had, I stood there taking pride in myself with a smile on my face, thinking, I would be a great president of the United States. I am a leader who puts other peoples safety before mine. During all this, without knowing it I subconsciously drank the rest of the mountain dew............ Hey it's the thought that counts right?

So as we were conquering the great hill in front of us, the boy was able to start the car. As they drove by Balls and I did the noble and courageous thing by waving them on. We feared that if they stopped for us they wouldn't get it started again, and that we'd simply catch up to them as we climbed the unfathomably steep hill in which we didn't know if our scrawny legs could accomplish. As we ascended the vast hill of despair, fluids were literally being drained from our bodies and appearing under our arms and inside our butt cracks. I feared many things at that moment, but the one thing I feared the most was butt chaffage otherwise known as monkey butt. You all know the feeling of your inner cheeks or inner thigh right below the chode area rubbing back and forth with each step you take. Heaven forbid I would have to start walking with my legs spread out looking as if I had previously had a brutal and vicious colonoscopy or corn-hole.

Finally we reached the top of the hill and to our surprise the town we were hoping for with all the multitudes of gas stations filled with beverages of a refreshing nature, and beautiful women of the orient, was not there. Neither was the car. We assumed that The Boy, wife, and baby had continued on without us thinking that we meant for them to come back and get us after they had filled up. Needless to say that was not what we had wanted. Luckily Balls was able to get service on his cell and was able to call the boy who explained that they were probably 2 or 3 miles ahead of us. After a bit of a useless spat with the boy on why they didn't stop and wait for us, the courageous duo (balls and I) trekked on.

About 200 yards in front of us was a diesel truck that was pulled off to the side. We decided we would ask the driver if he had any spare gasoline. We immediately realized that this proved to be a stupid question….why would a diesel truck driver carry around unleaded fuel? The driver was a negroid man who looked at us as if we were mental, but replied respectfully that he didn't have any. We carried on with our heads hanging low in despair on account that we didn't know what the future had in store for us.

After what must have been a much-needed moment of enlightenment one of us had the brilliant idea of hitchhiking. We put our thumbs in the air and waved them as if we didn't care. And after a couple vehicles passed a diesel truck saw us and came to our rescue. As we both ran to catch up to the truck, all the horror stories about crazy truckers flooded our minds. And not to mention the sexual favors that truckers expect from hitchhikers when offered a lift. This must have been our most desperate hour because Balls and I both entered the vehicle.

The truck looked as though it hadn't been cleaned for years and the driver looked as if he hadn't bathed in decades. The scent of some type of onion and chive soup gone wrong filled my nostrils as I entered the truck. He introduced himself as Tom and was more than happy to pick us up. Since I entered the truck first I was the unlucky one that had to sit on Tom's bed because there was only one passenger seat. I was not too happy about this, since the sheets looked like he used them to wipe his nasty ass with. I didn't want to think where all those stains came from since I was sitting on them, so I tried to think about happy thoughts….monkeys, dinosaurs, pineapples, SeaWorld and things of that nature.




Take a good look at those stains!


During the drive to Evanston Tom babbled on and on about his liberal propaganda while Balls and I tried our hardest not to breathe in the trailer trash carcinigous air. While looking around and investigating what it'd be like to live in a truck I decided to nonchalantly take a few photographs with my camera phone.














Peanut butter anybody? how about I pop in a burrito for ya?


As we drove passed the stranded car with wife, baby, and the Boy I wondered what Balls was thinking since his wife and kid were still stranded. He looked genuinely concerned and a tear swelled up in his eye and slowly dripped off his cheek. I felt as if I should console him with his hardship. So I stretched out my arm in an extremely gay manner and patted him on his shoulder and told him that everything would be ok. The plan was to arrive in Evanston and to return somehow to the car with a tank of gas.




This is Balls in the passenger seat.

Finally we arrived in Evanston and were let loose from the truck. We were free! He didn't ask for any sexual favors! Nor did he murder us! I quickly bought my overpriced beverage and we were ready to figure everything out. Balls then got a phone call from the boy who explained to him that someone had pulled over and was towing them into town. We waited eagerly for their arrival hoping that nothing dangerous would happen to them.

Balls looked happy and refreshed and I found that odd. I then posed the question, What if the guys that picked up wife, baby, and the boy were murderers? Or what if they demanded sexual favors? This turned his smile upside down as I caused him great fear and nervousness for the safety of his wife and child.

He then broke down and started crying saying, "She won't even give me oral pleasures! I couldn't bear to think that she'd be doing that that to some stranger?! Then his sadness turned into anger as he yelled, "If I find out that she sucked some stranger off, I will be livid! She's my wife if she's going to suck anybody off it's going to be me!" As I started to calm him down we both spotted the car being towed by another exiting the freeway. Balls ran hysterically towards them with a sentimental look on his face. Balls and wife embraced each other in a loving matter. They both were crying and proclaiming their love for each other and how they thought they'd never see each other again. The boy then strategically placed the baby by their side so the family could be together in a touching Kodak moment that unfortunately was never captured on camera.

The end.




This was the car that towed the boy, wife, and baby.

My Poor Little Ball Sack

My Poor Little Ball Sack ☹

First off I would like to say that the word “little” in the title of this story has nothing to do with the size or anatomy of my scrotum. It’s just a phrase that is said to describe the bad situation that my nards were involved in.

Moving on.

The other day I slept through my alarm clock, and when I finally arose, I had to scramble. I had to get everything together, my gym clothes, work clothes, soap, shampoo, shaving cream etc… My morning workout was a necessity before a 12-hour shift at work. After stuffing it all in a duffle bag I grabbed a nutri-grain bar, banana then jumped into my jeep and sped off. Fortunately I made good timing and my workout was great. As I got out of the shower, I glanced at myself in the mirror and was happy with what I saw. It looked like I was losing weight and gaining pure muscle. Yes I know… you ladies love it… After realizing I was wasting time in front of the mirror, I quickly returned to my locker to change into my work clothes. This is where the fun begins.

I reach into my duffle bag and grab my black fruit of the looms. I pull them up my legs and secure them in the correct position covering the crotch and buttocks areas, something wasn’t feeling right. Everything from my waste down was losing circulation, including my most important parts. I came to the abrupt conclusion that I grabbed my 12-year-old little brother’s underwear instead of mine. This raised a problem that needed to be solved quickly. I had to be at work in 20 minutes. Wearing tight underwear could potentially be a dangerous situation. I’ve always heard that it lowers your sperm count. Now, the sperm count is an important thing in a man’s life. It’s what defines the man. For those men that have a low sperm count I would like to take the time right now to laugh and point at your faces.

The issue of circulation is also something to worry about. I wouldn’t want everything below my waste to get amputated due to lack of blood flow. And what if I needed to perform sexually? How could blood get to my love pump if the tight underwear causes permanent damage? What was I going to do? Should I just free ball it? (Meaning not wear any underwear at all) I quickly removed the briefs, which caused a euphoric feeling as the blood returned back to my legs. I slipped my pants back on, zipped up, and took a few steps. To my disappointment a feeling of discomfort began and I knew I couldn’t spend the day without under garment support. (This is a subject all of its own, irritation caused by the carpet burn effect at the tip of your penis rubbing against the denim jeans, not to mention the zipper. Also the lack of support causes a blue balls type of pain, which leads one to believe they are suffering from testicular cancer.)

Free balling it, was simply out of the question. And I couldn’t just drive back home and pick up another pair; I’d be late for work! Then came my brilliant idea. I would simply rip the waste line of the underwear thus alleviating the tightness around my waste. So I grabbed the underwear and yanked as hard as I could. Nothing happened. Why wasn’t it ripping? I have muscle; remember I was just lifting weights? Hulk Hogan used to rip off his tank top shirts easily before his wrestling matches; I should be able to do this! After about five minutes of yanking, pulling, and stretching, the underpants started to rip. I did it! Everything would be OK now. I proceeded to put on the ripped underwear and to my surprise it felt much better. Problem solved! At least for the time being.

While driving to work I had a smile on my face. I was able to get my work out in without being late for work. I had outsmarted the underwear problem, and the sun was coming up. It would be a good day. Then I started feeling an unusual pain in my forearms. I must have worked them too hard at the gym. It started to feel as if I was suffering from tennis elbow or tendonitis of some sort. Then I realized that this pain was probably caused by me attempting to rip the underwear. The seams on those babies must have been sewn by sweat shop workers on steroids!

After about 20 minutes at work and taking a couple ibuprofen's for my fore arm pain, I started to feel a bit nauseated. My thighs began to throb due to the tightness of the boxer briefs and a sudden sense of extreme discomfort overcame me. I tried not to think about it but the nausea worsened. My balls began to feel as if someone had grasped them in their hands and squeezed them as hard as they could. I began to worry that my testicles would break into a thousand pieces and then drain out of my torn up ball sack. I had to act immediately for the sake of my future seed.

I ran to the bathroom stall, dropped my pants and underwear, and while standing there mostly naked with my dick hanging out I proceeded to rip the edges of the boxer briefs from the inside thigh area all the way to the under groin area. After much struggle and more tendonitis pain, I was a success. By now the underwear was simply two pieces of cloth barely attached by the already ripping waste line that would hang down over the front and the rear. I thought of those Indian civilizations in the Amazon rain forest and how I would fit in quite well with my genitals freely hanging behind a small piece of cloth. Problem solved! I had done it this time, no more problems, no more worries about testicular cancer, no more nausea, and no more discomfort.

The rest of the day went by very well, I just found that I needed to grasp on to the piece of hanging underwear through my front pocket when I walked to avoid it from ripping completely and falling down to the floor.

The End.

So what’s the lesson we have all learned by reading this deeply significant story that is so profound it haunts people on account of its everlasting effect?

…Or is it the image of my cock & balls that is haunting people?

You won't believe who I just met!! part 2

**Warning, this is the second part of the very true story that happened to me on Saturday May 10th 2008, so please read the blog entitled "You won't believe who I just met!!!" FIRST**




So what was it that this so-called Reptoid told me??

First thing, he told me that him and I weren't that much different, he explained that humanoids and reptoids both came from the monkey. And millions of years ago some of them chose to live on land while others were more comfortable living in the caves beneath the earth's crust. Humans then began to evolve into what we are today, and the reptoids began to evolve and to adapt to their living conditions.

He proceeded to explain that his race was in bad shape and were slowly dying out, and that humans were the cause of their downfall...

Humans? But why? What were we doing that could harm them?

By now, all of you readers are probably thinking, oh this "Rob guy" is just writing a social commentary involving a weird creature that lives underground whose entire Reptoid Race is struggling because of all the pollutants, chemicals, and poisons in the dirt etc…etc. Or, this story is just trying to make a point about saving the world from pollution, global warming, running out of energy, water, oxygen, food, rainforests etc…. Just more of that hippie, environmentalist, left wing, Al Gore propaganda, right?

Wrong.

When I asked how we could possibly be the cause of the decline of the reptoid race, he told me that we weren't using enough oil.


"You mean we're using too much oil, right?" I responded.


"No, not enough! There is so much of that stuff down there, and as our population increases our space needs to increase! But you people aren't pumping up anything anymore cause the gas prices keep sky rocketing! That is criminal! Everything seemed to be going so well, then came the problem with the oil and you people trying to clean everything up and preserve natural recources, well it's those natural resources that we don't want! We can't live and grow with that stuff in our way!! The earth was designed specifically for people to use, not to screw with your heads! All those alertists and crazies must be stopped! For the sake of reptoidity!!!

"You mean us trying to be green, us trying to save the planet, is harming you? That doesn't make much sense" I said.


He went on to explain that reptoids have a type of kryptonite (for lack of a better word), a weakness, something that keeps them from progressing. And this weakness is oil and natural resources that are found beneath the earths crust.

He said that we need to stop using hybrid vehicles, stop using the frontrunner and start buying up more oil. Stop recycling, stop "being green" stop wasting money on "organic" food. He told me that we should not worry about trying to save the earth, and that we should use up as much energy as possible. He then questioned the intelligence of humanity, and became slightly condescending….

"Do you people really believe you can do anything to save the earth? Do you think recycling a piece of plastic is really going to help? And those hybrid vehicles?! Common sense could tell you that it's just a waste of money! And this global warming thing that's got all you people riled up? Ha ha! You people actually believe you can stop the polar ice caps from melting?!!!! That'll happen millions of years from now, and believe me, humanity has much more important things to worry about than that! Please don't tell me that you are buying into the claims that the temperature is getting hotter every year?!!! Anybody can look at the records for themselves and see that's not true. It's pathetic!"

He then apologized for losing his temper with me…

"I know there is nothing you can do instantly about the worlds economy and oil problems, but please do whatever it takes!

Then came the scary part, the threat. Reptoids have the power to cause earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis and if things don't get better, more of these so-called natural disasters will happen. He explained that, yes it was kind of a threat, but reptoids can prevent these devastations from happening, if the Reptoids all die then the earth would ultimately be destroyed anyway by earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis that are normally controlled by the Reptoids.…. So in fact humanity relies on the Reptoids for safety without even knowing it!

When we both heard the frontrunner approaching he shared with me a last bit of advice, then he propped me up (remember, I was laying on the ground listening to this amazing creature's tale) and he dusted the dirt off my back….He then put his hand out for me to shake. I looked at it for a moment before I decided to give him my hand. He looked at me directly in the eyes as if he was looking into my soul and said,

"You must not forget our discussion. I am counting on you to take this information to the world. You must get it out there and make it known that humanity must change! And you're the one that will cause this great change, this reformation, this new beginning! I have done my duty here, and this is all I can do. But now I must return. You are a good man and I have faith that you will make it happen! The lives of not only my people, but also the lives of all humanity are in your hands!"


He then proceeded to slither away into the shadows…


I don't know if I'll ever see the reptoid named Obed again but I certainly will never forget what he told me…I ran back to the train station and jumped on the frontrunner and as I rode home I pondered and tried to digest the incredible information that this being had told me and the responsibility that had been put upon my shoulders…….From now on FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY....I will not ride the frontrunner, I will buy a full size hummer, I will waste electricity, I will not recycle, I will not be "green" or follow any of that crap. I will not worry about global warming. I will do all of this not for myself but for all of you, and for all of the wonderful creatures that live beneath the earth.



Please email this to as many people as you can! Take on this great responsibility by getting out there and making your voice heard! Do whatever it takes to save our future and the future of the Reptoids!

Ha ha just kidding.








PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN REPTOIDS!!!! GO AHEAD GOOGLE IT!!!

You won't believe who I just met!!!! part 1

Work last night was busy and I wasn't able to get off until very late. This ended up being a problem because I needed to catch the frontrunner to get home. I finally was able to leave work at 10:15 and the frontrunner leaves Salt Lake at 10:25. I had 10 minutes to run 6 or 7 blocks...If I missed it I would have had to wait an extra hour and catch the last train to Layton....So I started running. The frontrunner station is in the most ghetto part of Salt Lake City...It's right next to the homeless shelter and the UTA bus station....as I was running I noticed signs on the sides of buildings that read "If you see any drug deals call this number 555-5555" so this area is definitely known for its ghettoness...

I began noticing that people were staring at me as I was awkwardly running by to catch the train... I then began to worry for fear that someone would try to mug me, or worse yet, a gang of homosexuals would rape my fragile heterosexual behind...this caused me to run even faster. As I turned the last corner I saw the frontrunner a block away. I looked at my watch, it was 10:24...I didn't know if I was going to make it, I had at least 300 yards left to run...As I crossed the last road and approached the parking lot of the station the frontrunner blew it's horns and began to move. I missed it!!!!! I was super annoyed because now I would be sitting around in a terrible part of town for another hour. What was I going to do? I looked around hoping to find maybe a cool girl that I could pass the hour chatting up with, maybe I could make this night all worthwhile. So for that short moment my hopes were high, I looked around and saw that no one was nearby. It was just me in a big open area with lots of empty benches and lights overhead. So I sat down and decided that I would listen to music on my IPOD to pass the time. I abruptly found out that the batteries were dead. Then I remembered I had brought a book that I'm currently reading, "The Pillars of the Universe" by Ken Follet. I opened it up and started to read.

While reading I kept hearing strange noises. The noises sounded like someone was running around kicking up dirt or sand. Each time I heard it I looked up, but nothing was seen. I then realized that I was alone, there was no one around...and I was hearing strange noises. I put my book away and started pacing back and forth, frantically searching in the shadows, behind benches, and the square garbage cans for something, someone. The thoughts of getting mugged and butt raped returned. What would I do if someone was here to harm me and and my precious little behind? As I continued to look around I felt as if I was having a panic attack! Then I heard a different noise, something distinct, something easily recognizable. The sound I heard was a man's voice.

"Hey, you! Yeah You, come here! I need your help!"

I realized the voice was coming from an area I had not even thought about checking, it was coming from the lowered area where the tracks of the frontrunner are located. I looked to where the voice was coming from and I saw the shadow of a man.

By this time I had chills up and down my spine...If this guy thought I'd go over there in the dark to talk to him he was crazy. He continued asking for help, so I told him to come out to the lights and then I'd hear what he had to say and what he wanted. As we were conversing, (more like yelling due to the distance between us), I walked closer.

I began to calm down a little, I figured he was just a homeless guy asking for some change or something. By now I was about 20 feet away from him, I was not going to get any closer. At this time the man said something very interesting,

"Something is going to happen that will affect you personally."

I thought, oh great not just a homeless guy but a nutty, schizo homeless. As I was walking backwords to return to my book I replied "Oh yeah? and what is that?" He realized that I was going to go back to my book and ignore him. This is when he inched forward and stuck his head out and gave me a response...Whatever the response was I didn't hear it, I was too shocked by the frightful sight that stood before me. This was a nightmare, in no way could this terror be happening. It was madness! A fleshless monstrosity had been talking to me! Gravity gave way and I fainted to the ground.

That was a first, have you ever been so scared that you fainted? I didn't think so!...anyway when I came to, the horror had not passed and let me alone, in fact the thing was hovering over me! I frantically looked around and noticed that I was under a bridge, the frontrunner station was just to the left of me about a hundred yards away...If I could just kick this thing away from me I could run back to the lights, there had to be someone around that could help me!....The thing's fleshless slimy hands were covering my mouth so I couldn't yell out for help. After trying to break free from him for what seemed to be hours, I got tired and gave up...I began breathing heavily and tried to calm down when he spoke...

"I am not going to hurt you, in fact you'll be on that next train home I promise."

I spoke up while his hand was still covering my mouth...

"Who are you?"




"My name is Obed and I'm a Reptoid."



TO BE CONTINUED........



(my retelling of this crazy but true story has ended up being longer than I had initially wanted, due to the importance of the details that you all must understand and know....anyway that is why it's "to be continued" so sorry, i have to go to bed.)